Why it feels awkward talking about sex and what to do about it.
Here’s my theory.
Sexuality suffers from the dud end of a cognitive bias: the familiarity bias.
The mind is designed to trust positive exposure.
Unfortunately, at some point in life we’ve all encountered a joke, TV show, advert, friend, religion or family member that tied shame to sex for pleasure’s sake. A negative association.
This does not reflect the actual facts about sexual pleasure from a health perspective (of which there are many), but it gets recorded with the brand of ‘bad’ none the less.
So it makes sense to have an emotional reaction similar to a threat response when it is brought up in conversation, especially with a new person, and even in a formal setting like a doctor’s office.
What can we do to change the conversation?
In my experience the more I conditioned myself to find conversations about sex very normal, familiar and comfortable I find this has a spill over effect on the person I am speaking with - whether that’s a client or friend (also a few Uber drivers!). They respond to the comfort and positive association, this experience is now recorded as a positive, safe association with sexual pleasure.
And there’s a palpable relief when this happens.
There’s definitely an aspect of conscious re-conditioning we have to acknowledge when it comes to talking openly and helpfully about sex.
My journey of exposing myself to positive associations around sexual communication included immersing myself in a sexuality boutique talking to people about sex products. Then when I taught design students how to interview people about sex, I got them to shout the word ‘clitoris’ over and over again in my lectures until it had lost all awkward connotations.
That’s a bit of a high-level commitment though.
If you want some positive exposure to sexual communication,
My Youtube Playlist of various short positive talks about sexual pleasure and health.
Esther Perel’s ‘where shall we begin’ podcast: live sex therapy sessions with real couples.
