'I’d rather be a conductor of a sex band rather than just playing one musical stick' : One Man's Perspective

This is an extract from an email a client wrote me a few months ago, describing his journey with prostate cancer and the sexual changes that occurred after surgery. It is printed here with his permission. Please keep in mind this is one person’s opinion representing their reflections on their individual journey.

What I am telling you here is what I have had to do in order to stay alive.

I’ve noticed that when my life begins to implode it correlates to a time when my locus of control, my system of beliefs, shifts to an external focus.

When I begin to feel helpless and look for something outside of me to blame, or I wait for somebody else to come up with a solution for me.

I am not talking about a doctors diagnosis here but instead more about the journey of life.

The problem for human beings is that it is often easier to be negative rather than positive.

In my opinion this stems both from the fact that being positive seems like more work than being negative.

In reality, they are just different belief systems. 

Interesting isn’t it??

Now I am going to give you a really powerful example of this that I once heard about.

This is an account of a woman who was a physicist in an oncology department in a well-known hospital who was talking to a psychiatrist about her role of deciding how much radiotherapy to give her patients, children suffering from leukaemia.

She would study their histories and speak with their medical professionals and work out the course of radiotherapy.

She then made the remarkable statement that it didn’t really matter much anyway because in almost all of the cases she could tell which ones were going to live and which ones were going to die, regardless of their treatment, just by observing them in the waiting room.

By now any normal person would be flabbergasted by this statement, however, she went on to qualify that in her experience the helpless, needy children tended to die and the determined, independent ones tended to live. 

Now this is a statement by one person who sincerely believes this to be a true outcome of everything that she has experienced over a long period of time treating children with leukaemia.

It’s hardly a clinical study but I am happy to take it on face value.

What this woman is essentially saying is that for the kids that have an external locus of control, or believe that some magical cure will come about or that god will save them or whatever, don’t do well. The ones that have an internal locus of control, or believe that they will survive, or just take the whole thing in their stride, seem to do well.

 I am a firm believer that we can think our way towards an outcome.

Look at the principals of goal setting. Goals are just a way of taking control internally, creating a plan and sticking to it.

When you do that life’s negatives either don’t come along or simply bounce off your goal shield so that you just keep going anyway. Another example of an internal focus.

Hmm, I just got myself thinking… do I have an external locus of control regarding my erection? Or am I just using the excuse of my operations to cover my sexual inadequacies, or is that the same thing??

It’s really interesting stuff isn’t it? I guess the approach you are working on is really another way of showing people that it is up to them.

There are alternatives to think about instead of wallowing in the fact that your erection is different, and the way it works is different, and the way you might want to share it with others might also have to be a little bit different.

Instead of looking at one’s erection as a pleasure stick, we now have to look at our erection as part of an overall arrangement of pleasure.

I guess its like going from playing a musical instrument to becoming the conductor of a whole band.

Now the band includes a vacuum device, and perhaps some other mutually beneficial toys and lubricant, and other interesting techniques.

If I think about it - and of course assuming there’s a willing partner - I’d rather be a conductor of a sex band rather than just playing one musical stick.

Unless of course it was a flute, but I am not going to explain that one…

Victoria Cullen